


idfc

by WantToStartABand



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Dysphoria, FTM, Josh is Dun, LGBT, M/M, No band AU, Self-Hatred, Stay Alive, Suicide, Transgender, Transphobia, i hate life at the moment, idfc, idfc by blackbear, trans!josh, trigger warning, vent fic, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 19:36:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11835612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WantToStartABand/pseuds/WantToStartABand
Summary: Josh is done with not being accepted for who he is. He just doesn't fucking care--lowercase intendedtrigger warningvent fic





	idfc

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a vent fic thing because life absolutely sucks for me at the moment. I needed to get some stuff out. 
> 
> Anyways, please be safe. I'm always someone you can talk to. 
> 
> Stay Alive for me. 
> 
> Suicide Hotline Numbers:  
> Argentina: +5402234930430
> 
> Australia: 131114
> 
> Austria: 017133374
> 
> Belgium: 106
> 
> Botswana: 3911270
> 
> Brazil: 212339191
> 
> Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
> 
> China: 85223820000
> 
> Croatia: 014833888
> 
> Denmark: +4570201201
> 
> Egypt: 7621602
> 
> Finland: 040-5032199
> 
> France: 0145394000
> 
> Germany: 08001810771
> 
> Holland: 09000767
> 
> India: 8888817666
> 
> Ireland: +4408457909090
> 
> Italy: 800860022
> 
> Japan: +810352869090
> 
> Mexico: 5255102550
> 
> New Zealand: 045861048
> 
> Norway: +4781533300
> 
> Philippines: 028969191
> 
> Poland: 5270000
> 
> Russia: 0078202577577
> 
> Spain: 914590050
> 
> South Africa: 0514445691
> 
> Sweden: 46317112400
> 
> Switzerland: 143
> 
> United Kingdom: 08457909090
> 
> USA: 18002738255

_**vent fic. major trigger warning. slight transphobia.** _

"you want me to what?!"

josh was done. he was so done. done with tyler. done with his family. done with the world.

"i'm not going to not transition, dude. i am a guy. you've been calling me josh for over 6 years now. why don't you accept me getting top surgery?

tyler's eyes were sad. he loved jenna. well, josh. but, he loved him. he just, he didn't like that jenna was josh. to him, josh has always been jenna.

"i'm sorry, but you've always been jenna to me. i just called you josh because it made you happy."

josh was furious. tears had pooled in his eyes, ready to fall if tyler said another word. he couldn't believe it. his "so accepting boyfriend" didn't accept him getting surgery.

"you've always been a girl to me."

that was it. josh was done. he was so done. his tears fell. they just spilled from his eyes.

"that's it. i'm done, tyler. completely done. we're over. i'm leaving. give me my spare key back. we're done."

tyler looked at him. his eyes were wide. those words broke tyler's heart.

"w-what?"

josh was crying but he kept a furious face. "that's right. we're done. give me my spare key back."

tyler was devastated. he didn't try to help his gi-boyfriend calm down. he didn't try to comfort him. now, it was his turn to cry.

"n-no. i c-can't."

josh was beyond furious. "you 'can't'?! you 'can't' give me my key back just like you 'can't' accept me?! god, you're as bad as my parents. you know what? i don't care, keep the damn key. fuck you, tyl-er."

josh's voice cracked. he was upset in so many ways. he was just didn't care anymore.

he picked his space-themed backpack up and stomped towards the door. he opened it and turned around.

tyler watched as josh pulled his keys out of his pocket. he searched for one key - the key to tyler's house. he looked up at tyler, pain and hurt evident in his eyes.

"i don't fucking care at all."

he tossed tyler's key towards him which fell and slid right in front of tyler's feet. josh walked out, slamming the door behind him.

tyler was speechless. if this had all happened with different circumstances, he'd have been hard. but, because he couldn’t accept his boyfriend being a transgender male, he lost him. because tyler was so stubborn and so dependent on the fact that josh was biologically a girl, he lost the love of his life.

\--

josh arrived at his apartment. he tossed his backpack onto the couch and walked into his room. he nearly threw up from all of this while he laid on his bed. he was just sick and tired of everything. he was sick of being tired and so tired of being sick. he hated it.

god, tyler was and is just as transphobic as _them_.

\--

_"um, all of you. i have something to tell you."_

_josh was doing it. he's telling them. he was 17, it was about time to tell them._

_laura smiled at_ jenna _. bill looked at his_ daughter _. his siblings looked at him. jordan's eyes held a look of support. he knew._

_"well, for a while now...well, like, 7 years or so, i've been uncomfortable with this body. when i was younger, i didn't like wearing dresses or makeup. i didn't like being a girl. that being said, i'm trying to tell you all that i'm transgender. that i'm a boy. i always ha-"_

_bill looked absolutely enraged. laura was simply disgusted. his siblings were giving him lowkey thumbs ups. the three of them saw their parents' faces. they were simply disgusted with their parents' behavior. it was expected, however. they were drunks that were never really there for their kids. josh had to raise them, ashley helping him here and there._

_"YOU LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE BITCH! I WILL NOT HAVE A WALKING SIN FOR A DAUGHTER. YOU ARE DISGRACE. A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. YOUR WHOLE LIFE YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT LEECH OFF MY MONEY. IF YOU WANT TO BE A BOY, GET OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE."_

_josh was crying. he expected this. he was so ready for it. but when the words came out of his father's mouth, all of his confidence disappeared. he was just hurt. it hurt him so much. his parents didn't want him._

_he ran to his room. he packed everything already. whatever was left, was to be given to his siblings. (or thrown out.) he took his bags and ran down the stairs. he kept running, stopping only when the door was open. he turned to his parents._

_"treat those three better than you did to me."_

_after that, josh bolted. he just ran, his backpack slamming against his butt and his duffle swinging against his leg. he nearly tripped and fell over, but he just kept running. he wanted to leave and he finally did._

_josh stopped at a gas station to get some food and drinks and to use the restroom. he need to take a breather. when calmed his breathing, he paid the cashier for a few packs of cigarettes, a few lighters, and some gum. after that, he went outside and popped a cig in his mouth, puffing the air out._

_josh was used to the feeling of the cigarettes. he used to smoke them with his friends, brendon and pete. sometimes, he'd get high with them just to relieve his pain._

_wait..._ brendon and pete _. he needed to say goodbye._

_josh looked around, taking another drag from the cig. he huffed it out and realized, he was too far. it was too late._

_when josh finished the cig, he put it out and kept on walking. he got to his destination in about 15 minutes. he was at the train station._

_"hi, can i get a ticket to los angeles, california?"_

_the lady behind the kiosk nodded at him. "roundtrip?"_

_josh shook his head , "no."_

_she nodded. he paid for the ticket with from his wad of cash he took from his dad's dresser and earned from selling his body. (not that he really cared about this body.)_

_when the train arrived, he got seated and settled down._

_it was a fresh start in a new city._

\--

**_ SUICIDE WARNING! PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS. PLEASE STAY ALIVE. I AM HERE FOR YOU. I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER. _ **

he got up from his bed, his body moving on its own. his body carried him into the bathroom. he pulled out his razors and cracked one open to get a blade. he ran the water in the tub and set the blade on the bathroom counter.

he changed into a suit that complimented his royal blue shirt. he pulled on black slacks and tied on his dress shoes. he left his shirt unbottoned so that he had access to what he was about to do.

josh turned the tub's water off, as soon as he got back into the bathroom. it was completely full, but it was full enough. he had it at a lukewarm temperature. josh grabbed the blade from the counter and stood by the edge of the tub.

he took a deep breath. josh got into the tub, immediately shivering as the water soaked into his shoes and clothes. he laid his back against the end of the tub, opposite of the faucet.

josh pushed the shirt aside so that it gave him access to his chest.

"you're worthless. a leech. you deserve to die. this is the right thing. no one is going to miss you. not jordan. not ashley. not abby. not your parents. not even tyler or brendon or pete. not even ash and mel. you deserve this. everybody hates you. they want you to die. they want you dead."

josh said all of that as he took the blade to the skin just below his collarbone. he cut deep enough that blood began squirting out. josh was biting his lip and tears flowed from his eyes. it was painful, but he deserved it.

he kept cutting the area around his breasts as if he was cutting them off completely. the water had turned a dark red from all of the blood.

by the time josh finished doing his sets of cuts, he almost passed out. he tossed to blade somewhere in the bathroom. josh rested his head against the wall, black spots clouding his vision. his ears were ringing. his breath was getting ragged.

just before he shut his eyes, he whispered, "i'm so fucking scared."

**_ SUICIDE WARNING OVER. It should be less triggering now. PLEASE STAY ALIVE. _ **

\--

"The reported suicide of the girl- Wait, sorry. The reported suicide of the boy _Joshua William Dun_ has the LGBT+ community mourning. This young 28-year-old man was found by Tyler Joseph, his ex-boyfriend. This young man had no letter or note, but he had his breasts cut, telling us that he was not accepted for who he was. We ask you to take a moment of silence for this young man."

\--

** funeral day **

there were loud sobs when friends and family went up to look in the casket.

joshua's body lay cold and lifeless. there were white roses and blue delphiniums placed underneath his hands that laid on his chest. his lips were a pale-bluish shade of pink. his eyes were shut and his skin was almost a shade of gray.

abby and ashley were sobbing when they saw his body. melanie and ashley had broken down into a fit of sobs, as well. jordan was standing there and tears trailed down his cheeks. brendon had showed up and brought his boyfriends, dallon and ryan. when brendon saw josh's face, he sucked in a deep breath.

"god, man. i'm so fucking s-sorry. i-i'm so f-fucking sorry i wasn't here. g-god. why'd you leave? you never said g-g...g-goodbye...."

pete was behind him, listening to brendon. he was mad. mad at josh for leaving. mad at josh for not saying goodbye. but, he can't change anything.

josh's parents actually showed up. jordan was convinced they wouldn't show because they didn't care. but, they cared enough to come.

and lastly, there was _tyler_. the _tyler_ who hurt josh so bad, he led him to kill himself. the _tyler_ that josh loved. the _tyler_ that had helped build him back up, only to destroy him once again. the _tyler_ who found him.

-

the funeral went on. his parents said their speeches, many people correcting them when they said "daughter", "her", "she", "woman", or "girl". josh's close friends said some last words. his siblings spoke some. and, then the last speech was tyler.

tyler walked up to the podium. he cleared his throat as he looked around him. he looked back at the casket, turning back quickly.

"u-um. salutations, i'm tyler robert joseph. j- joshua's ex-boyfriend. joshua loved to say salutations...uh...i'm here to- f-fuck," he murmured. tyler couldn't do it.

josh is gone because of him. tyler cleared his throat once again.

"u-uh. j-josh was and always will be the l-love of my life. his smile brightened my day. he was so perfect. and he may not have been perfect in his head, but he sure as hell was to me. there is no doubt that he did not deserve this. i didn't deserve someone as angelic as him."

tears fell once more.

" _you're an a-angel f-fallen down_  
won't you tell us of the clouds  
you have fallen from the sky  
h-how high? h-how h-high?"

more tears.

"f-fuck, ok. i b-believe i-i'm the final r-reason josh...um...josh...uh...fuck! i'm the reason josh killed himself." tyler choked on his words.

it was sobbing now.

"i-i couldn't a-accept him. a-and n-now...h-he's...he's fucking gone."

tyler turned around to look at joshua's body. he laid a key on his chest, right by his heart.

"i'm sorry, josh. i'm so fucking sorry. i'm so so so so fucking sorry. i was a fool for you. you were too good for me. and oh god, you're gone because i didn't accept you. and i'm sorry. and i love you. oh god. i'm so so sorry. please just be a sick a joke. i want you back. i need you. i-i'm sorry. joshua william dun, i fucking love you. p-please...," tyler laid his head on josh's chest. "p-please, c-come back to m-me."

he sobbed and sobbed. the cries racked tyler's body and shook the casket.

nobody stopped him. everyone cried. they cried and cried.

 _RIP_  
joshua dun  
beloved son, friend, and boyfriend  
death: june 17th, 2017 - suicide by blood loss

\--

**josh - 12:53am, june 18th, 2018**

_tyler_ : happy birthday, joshua

 _tyler_ : i'm coming to join you

 _tyler_ : i'll see you soon

\--

 _RIP_  
tyler robert joseph  
beloved son, friend, and lover  
death: june 18th, 2018 - suicide by gun shot

 

**Author's Note:**

> please stay alive for me.  
> i love you.  
> you're worth it.  
> you're amazing.  
> you ARE loved.
> 
> edit: 1/12/18 00:48  
> i just cried editing this holyyy frick


End file.
